Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:11 pm

Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

So I have a 13 year old son, and he is 'going out' with a girl. My son asks me if he can go see Eclipse with his Girlfriend opening day at 11am.

I asked: Who all is going
he said: Me and her.
I asked: Parents or adult?
he said: Her mom will drop us off at the theatre and then pick us up.
I said: Absolutely not.

There are 2 separate issues at play here.

1.) My son is..... well I love him to death, but he could be talked into jumping off a roof for this girl. It has a lot to do with searching for approval from any female since his mom is such a raving tard, but supervision in a situation like this is a good idea to me, because it removes the opportunity for him to do something that results in the police getting involved. Sadly, yes. I'm serious. It wouldn't be the first time

2.) I just don't see where letting a couple of 13 year olds loose at the movie theatre is a good idea. We have already had to have MULTIPLE conversations about what is and what isn't acceptable forms of affection after a couple of incidents at the baseball fields (before and after games)

I told him, if her mom/dad/older brother/his aunt are able to go, I don't have a problem. I'm not asking them to sit right next to them, I know they are teens, they want to hold hands, kiss, whatever. But just someone there to make sure that the general asshattery doesn't happen. I said that if he would wait until the weekend, My wife and I, one of his aunts, or her parents could go, sit rows away, and there would be no problem.

Sadly, to him, I'm just a mean jerk. I let him stay home during the day, so why shouldn't I trust him at the movies? A: Because the neighbors keep an eye out to make sure something doesn't go down, and my parents are a 2 minute walk (if you walk backwards and drunk) from my home. There is an illusion of freedom there, one that makes sure he can earn more freedom and responsibility in the future. One that has been strained several times already this short summer because he just doesn't understand that rules are rules. I said no one over and in the house for a reason.

Argali

Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:15 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

I think you're a mean mom.

Sorry, my inner troll came out :S

Shoju

Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:16 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

haha! thanks?

aranil

Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:29 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Shoju wrote:my parents are a 2 minute walk (if you walk backwards and drunk) from my home

This kinda bothered me, why are you walking home backwards drunk?

Anyway, I think you are in the right. If he had a clean record prior, I would call you unfair, but he seems to have issues, so you're taking the right path. If you haven't told him, try and explain that hey, you fucked up before, and now you are paying for it.

Argali

Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:30 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Ok, it's hard to tell since, the correct decision depends on how mature your son is, and whether you are trying to be responsible, or just overprotective.

Parents are usually wrong in what they choose to be protective about, because of irrational fears pepetrated by the media, as well the as inability for the average person to weigh risk v. probability. According to FBI statistics, majority of child kidnappings are conducted by family members, and VERY rarely by a stranger. Yet every parent says " Don't talk to strangers."

Try reading on Lenore Skenezy about her son riding the NY subway system unattended, and her reasoning for it, and Penn & Teller's episode titled "Stranger Danger."

Shoju

Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:37 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

aranil wrote:
Shoju wrote:my parents are a 2 minute walk (if you walk backwards and drunk) from my home

This kinda bothered me, why are you walking home backwards drunk?

Anyway, I think you are in the right. If he had a clean record prior, I would call you unfair, but he seems to have issues, so you're taking the right path. If you haven't told him, try and explain that hey, you fucked up before, and now you are paying for it.

It was more of saying just how close they are. They are 2 doors down on the next street over. Walking home backwards and drunk would require walking down the sidewalk to the alley, and then down my street, instead of walking down the sidewalk, to the neighbors drive which meets my drive (with a tree line seperating them)

Argali wrote:Ok, it's hard to tell since, the correct decision depends on how mature your son is, and whether you are trying to be responsible, or just overprotective.

Parents are usually wrong in what they choose to be protective about, because of irrational fears pepetrated by the media, as well the as inability for the average person to weigh risk v. probability. According to FBI statistics, majority of child kidnappings are conducted by family members, and VERY rarely by a stranger. Yet every parent says " Don't talk to strangers."

Try reading on Lenore Skenezy about her son riding the NY subway system unattended, and her reasoning for it, and Penn & Teller's episode titled "Stranger Danger."

I'm not worried about him being abducted. I'm not worried about anything like that. I'm not trying to be overprotective, I'm trying to say

Son, you have a tendency to end up in situations that reflect poorly on you. I know you aren't the brains behind the situations, but you are easily swayed into doing things which result in trouble for you, AND you have proven that the two of you are moving just a tad fast for 13 year olds.

I have tried to explain it, my wife (his step mom) has tried to explain it, even his grandmother (mom's mom) have tried to explain it. Sadly, We're just old jerks who don't understand.

EDIT: Missed the maturity part. My sons maturity is rather low. This has several reasons. His mom all but abandoned him for her crack dealing boyfriend and the rock 4 1/2 years ago, and before anyone realized how bad it was (we all knew that mom was being dumb and had a loser boyfriend) he was alone more than any kid should be at that age. And my son has SEVERE ADHD. Not the 'eh my kid is too hyper I need to medicate him', the 'Holy crap if he doesn't take his meds his impulsiveness gets him into serious trouble with parents, friends, and school administrators' type of ADHD.

Argali

Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:45 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

From what you've said, it seems that you're reasonable, but what people say, and what people actually do are different, and it's hard to make a judgement based on text messages over the internet.

Dorvan

Fri Jun 25, 2010 2:48 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

The correct answer is both.

When push comes to shove, explaining the reasons for the boundaries you set is a good thing, but kids aren't always going to agree with those reasons....I mean *obviously* you're doing it because parents love to set rules which cause their kids to whine at them.

In retrospect, at least 80 to 90% of the stuff I thought my parents did that was totally unfair and mean was the right call, and I was being a stubborn adolescent fool. It just took me several more years of maturing and life experience to come to that realization.

mew

Fri Jun 25, 2010 3:07 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

You are doing the right thing.
They honestly do not understand things like that. When my sister was 14 she would ask me why mom wouldn't trust her or let her go to friend's houses sometimes and I would tell her, "It's probably because she catches you smoking pot all the time". And she would ask, "But I don't do that anymore, what can I do to make her not think I'm lying?" and I would tell her "you just have to be good for a long time, like years...", and of course she kept complaining for a few years, but eventually mom started letting her do more stuff and now they are super close.

I had a nice awkward moment once when my parents were out of town, she had a bunch of friends over, I went down to my parents' room to get my phone charger, and I walked in on one of her friends and some guy in my parents' bed. Good times...

And then there was the time she was 14 dating a 19 year old weed dealer.

Belloc

Fri Jun 25, 2010 3:18 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Edit: I actually read.

Probably doing the right thing. I know that I sure wouldn't have liked it, though.

Ruex

Fri Jun 25, 2010 3:45 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

My wife and I agree with ya. She doesn't post here, but i am relaying her view as well.
You have set reasonable guidelines, and a safe environment from how you describe it.

He is a teenage boy and will most always think you are being a tyrannical fascist if you say he cannot do something.

My only Concern is:
Looking for parental advice/reassurance on the Asylum.

Argali

Fri Jun 25, 2010 3:46 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

If you post in the AA, your sanity is suspect in the first place.

Shamora

Fri Jun 25, 2010 3:51 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

I'm sorry but your son is a teenager now. He hates you, you are the worst parent ever, why can't you be like X's parents, you're ruining his life, things are so much different from when you were a kid and he knows everything about everything.

Parenting isn't about being his friend, it's about being his parent. What you're doing is pretty much what I would do in this situation.

Rothifer

Fri Jun 25, 2010 4:37 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Anyway, I think you are in the right. If he had a clean record prior, I would call you unfair, but he seems to have issues, so you're taking the right path. If you haven't told him, try and explain that hey, you fucked up before, and now you are paying for it.

Kelaan

Fri Jun 25, 2010 4:49 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Shamora wrote:Parenting isn't about being his friend, it's about being his parent. What you're doing is pretty much what I would do in this situation.

It's hard, too. Hell, I have a hard time and my son is TWO.

Kudos to you for setting limits. Tell him that he has abused your trust already, and that the consequence is that he gets a chaperone. (I'm not sure how to temper this versus his ADHD.)

You're not going to be between them, or next to them, but close enough that you will see that all clothes stay ON, crap isn't thrown, pot isn't smoked, etc. You can even tell him that if he behaves responsibly on this date and future dates, you'll be more trusting of his judgement.

Joanadark

Fri Jun 25, 2010 8:12 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

According to FBI statistics, majority of child kidnappings are conducted by family members, and VERY rarely by a stranger. Yet every parent says " Don't talk to strangers."

Try reading on Lenore Skenezy about her son riding the NY subway system unattended, and her reasoning for it, and Penn & Teller's episode titled "Stranger Danger."

Couldn't the argument be made that your conclusion isn't necessarily an accurate interpretation of the data?
It could be that there are so few stranger kidnappings BECAUSE parents have raised such good awareness about being wary of strangers!

Arjuna

Fri Jun 25, 2010 8:42 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

posting a poll in AA without a CBH option...

aranil

Fri Jun 25, 2010 9:07 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Arjuna wrote:posting a poll in AA without a CBH option...

thats more LFL then anything

Lightbeard

Fri Jun 25, 2010 9:39 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

I say let them go but I'm a teenager so thats just me

Aergis

Fri Jun 25, 2010 11:46 pm

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Her parents can't make it, why don't you go?
Just curious. Then you both get your way, but you have to sit through the movie.

mew

Sat Jun 26, 2010 12:12 am

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Aergis wrote:Her parents can't make it, why don't you go?
Just curious. Then you both get your way, but you have to sit through the movie.

Who wouldn't want to sit through the new Twilight movie?!

Arnock

Sat Jun 26, 2010 12:37 am

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

Yeah, I think you're missing a crucial detail here. No self respecting guy would want to see a twilight movie without obvious motivations.

mew

Sat Jun 26, 2010 12:45 am

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

He can go to pick up middle aged women. Or teenagers.

bldavis

Sat Jun 26, 2010 2:31 am

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

mew wrote:
Aergis wrote:Her parents can't make it, why don't you go?
Just curious. Then you both get your way, but you have to sit through the movie.

Who would want to sit through the new Twilight movie?!

fixt for ya!

(oh and my fiance would..... im dreading our first date this summer when i get back east finally)

Bunni

Sat Jun 26, 2010 3:50 am

Re: Poll: Am I a Mean dad, or responsible?

I think you are doing the right thing. He thinks you are mean and I would have too at that age. The only 13 year olds that would understand are the ones that wouldn't need a chaperone in the first place. Don't give him too much slack now, in a couple years they won't need adults to drive them around anymore and all bets are off.

(I'm really dreading the teen years, but I suppose it could be worse, I could have girls...)